Its hard to look inward to find “the Self” and to understand who I truly am. I have been suffering lately, inwardly. My partner keeps asking what is wrong and I cant seems to explain it. Its the rumble in the soul. Its the disturbance in my spirit. My yin and yang are not balanced. My sadness is intense at times at time, then its a quiet hum in the background of my unbalanced life.
The spirit is a wreck. I am totally messed up. I wait for the day I find some grasp on my life. I keep searching for my life to find meaning, purpose, some consistency. The lotus has always fascinated me. Its resilience and strength in such a miserable place. Very little likelihood of survival, yet it thrives. So how do I do the same?
In the last 4.5 years I’ve migrated because of love. Left my life, left my family, left my career. I left everything for my partner. I left a lot of hope, belief, faith and love squarely on the shoulders of one person. Some would say that wouldn’t be a fair expectation to place on a new partner. Some would say I made my own choice. I would say I never expected to be disappointed so deeply, profusely and incredibly. So completely left alone. I had to question who I was… I still do. I lost confidence, happiness and my sense of self. I’m still quite certainly lost.
Migration, a new marriage, new living conditions, new so-called family, living with a mother in-law who seemed to like me but didn’t when I migrated and lived with her, a brother in-law and sister in-law who watched me suffer but didn’t say a thing to stop it or help in any way, no career to talk about as I could not get a job for the longest time in spite being very successful in my birth country….. not sure if I should go on. Sounds like a litany of complaints except the point when I was suicidal and wanted to end it all. I feel these things were all going on at the same time and so it was hard to process. Alone.
My friendships were all long distance except for one. I wish I had better perspective, but maybe Ill gain it as I write my pain. I believe we are all made equal. Our souls are equal. My thoughts; we are all made of the same power / energy / spirit, hence we are all equal. Yet when we are born, we are on a different level of learning. We all have different steps to take to get the path which leads to light, joy, love, enlightenment and all those wonderful things.
For now, I know I have a long way to go to get there. I need to get past the pain and work towards some sense of self. Like the lotus represents spirituality, my heart will somehow go on. My spirit will somehow push through the mud that is the lives we keep living and hopefully there are little hints or signs as to where the path to light leads. Please share any clues/comments you have on how to get there…..